“To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things
to love what is mortal,
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go”
― Mary Oliver
I used to have an uneasy feeling about whether I’d ever feel at home in my body, whether I’d ever feel like there was home in there to begin with. And if there was no place to call home within me then how could I ever feel like I really belonged in the wider world?. It was more than an uneasy feeling actually. It was a kind of fear. And if medals could be handed for outstanding-in-her-field for obedience to limiting self-belief-fear, then I would of have won those medals and won them good (and I never was the medal winning sort). Now of course these feelings didn’t just prop up one day to bite me on the arse..If that was the case, perhaps all life as we know it would be more straight forward and easier to navigate and we could all just set the compass to “Everything is awesome” and there’d be no fear of falling off-track because there’d be no fear . No, for me it was more like a dull ache. A numbness that pervaded my very presence in my life. Learned behaviours over formative years that stuck and they stuck good. Until some cracks started to appear, as they tend to do.
“There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”.
― Leonard Cohen
So instead of ignoring the cracks, I started to meet them head on and I did so with compassion….eventually! Yoga was always something I was very aware of in terms of it’s benefits beyond the physical, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was really all about, so I adventured in different styles, leading me to start to create a discerning taste for how I wanted to learn the practise of yoga leading me to place an importance in it and me. I made the commitment to myself to never again let my vitality be quelled by fears of “I can’t”, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m not worth it”. I can, I am good enough and I am definitely worth it.* So now I am a yoga teacher/person in training, therein committing even further to my practise so I may start awarding myself medals of the self-compassionate kind. I’m going in the direction of cracking this heart wide-open.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
― Anaïs Nin
*Disclaimer: Sometimes the author has days when she does not believe this to be true. On these days she takes to her mat and starts from the beginning because a beginning is a very good place to start.